Tuesday, May 24, 2005

A Loser and A Detainee

And finally it did rebel. Neither was i prepared for it, nor did i expect it! but later i guessed that I had crossed my limits. And who would tolerate that!!!

The reaction it gave was soft but strong enough to give me the feeling that if I crossed my limits again, then it would go against me anytime. And my sadist part, jumped up at this. The sadist wanted to torment, torture, hurt. But logic said 'don’t...next move by it would be more severe, you won’t be able to handle the blow'

Maybe logic was right. But still sadist was too eager. Sadist wanted to give in more load, and take away available time for rest. Logic wanted to give more rest, and reduce the stress.


And what about me? What was my reaction? What did I want to do?
Well to speak the truth I was thunderstruck! I mean anyone in my position would have been! But maybe my reaction was stronger.
Why? Only because I thought I owned and had full control over the being that had revolt. So it had shocked me! I felt pity for myself. ‘Poor Ayreen! She doesn’t have control over her own physical health’ I realized.
Yes it was poor me. Because the whole thing suddenly was pointing and mocking at me ‘You are not as powerful as you think you are! You have no control over yourself, you can dominate nothing’.
It is true! I can’t control my emotions. I can’t control my thoughts. I can’t control my thought process. I can’t control the way I feel for people I don’t want to feel for. I can’t control my sentiments. I can’t traffic my wrong emotions.
And now this thing showed me that I can’t control my working hours, I can’t control my sleeping hours, I can’t control my food intake, I can’t control my leisure period.

I am such a loser! I am a detainee in the hands of my own body, and my own mind! And it took me so long to realize that!


At 28/5/05 1:04 AM, Blogger Rikhi said...

It is more important to have control over your mental health ... and I belive you are mentally strong enough there.

As for your physique, take more care of yourself baby! Life is not getting any easier, you know ... and so now you need to be physically stong enough too ...

All the best with your 'control over health'!

At 28/5/05 10:56 PM, Blogger aaziz said...

you give me a 'now that two lives are dependent on you, u need to take more care of your physical health' sort of feeling


At 1/6/05 1:22 PM, Blogger Rikhi said...

lolz ... =))

yea ... thts kinda true too! :p
your groupmates health (both mental & physical ones) depends on your health's soundness to great extent ... :p

At 1/6/05 5:52 PM, Blogger aaziz said...

please dont use words, that reminds me of IBA.



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